Toxic Relationships: What They Are, and How to Deal With One

 You may have heard the term "toxic relationship" but not really understood what this means. In this article, I explain what a toxic relationship is, signs that you are in one, and what to do about it:


What is a toxic relationship? Just like the word "toxic" implies, it is an unhealthy relationship that is detrimental to your mental, spiritual and physical well-being. How can one tell if they are in a toxic relationship? Here are some very important clues that your relationship is toxic:

* Despite your partner's profession of their love for you, they verbally put you down in front of other people.

* Your partner attempts to control you-They call you constantly at work or at home to make sure you're "where you're supposed to be;" they intrude on your privacy by reading your mail or checking your phone messages; they constantly show up out-of-the-blue wherever you are to "check up" on you.

*You've changed your appearance or style of dressing solely to please them.

*They want to drive you everywhere you want to go, to make sure that "you get there OK."

*Your partner hits you, or sexually punishes you, telling you that "you made them do it."

*Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family.

The list of these toxic behaviors goes on and on. People who have never experienced being in a toxic relationship themselves cannot even imagine why anyone could allow themselves to stay in a relationship like this. But it is just not that simple.

Every toxic relationship goes through a cycle. The cycle follows the following pattern: There is an initial "honeymoon" phase where the new partner seems wonderful and anticipates your every need and want, followed by a cycle of escalating behavior where the new partner becomes increasingly critical of you and exhibits extreme paranoia surrounding your every move. This phase can, and often does, even culminate in physical abuse. After the toxic behavior reaches a peak, a reconciliation phase begins where the toxic partner acts contrite and apologizes for their behavior, promising it won't happen again. Unfortunately, it will happen again, as toxic relationships consistently display this pattern of honeymoon, escalation, abuse and reconciliation over and over again.

If you are in a toxic relationship, you may feel as if you have no one to turn to, and no way to get out. The first step in leaving a toxic relationship is to realize that you do have a choice whether or not to stay in the relationship. Often, the desire to leave is there, but low self-esteem is a side effect of this type of a relationship. You may be depressed, and feel that you are not worthy of love and respect. Never buy into a toxic partner's claim that all the problems in the relationship are your fault. You must stand up for yourself if you stay in the relationship, or learn to walk away from the relationship entirely. In fact, if there is physical abuse present in a relationship, you must leave it to get the help that you AND your partner need to be whole. 

Is there ever any chance that someone in a toxic relationship can change and form a healthy relationship? The answer is yes, although it may take a long period of separation and professional counseling. Sometimes these couples are able to heal the toxicity in their relationship and go on to happier lives with healthy relationship bonds. But, both parties must be totally sincere in their desire to heal the relationship, and ready to immediately walk away if their partner starts slipping back into their old habits.

If you think that you're in a toxic relationship, and are experiencing physical and/or mental abuse please seek immediate professional help from a counselor, physician, clergyperson or other trusted professional.

If your relationship hasn't deteriorated to this level, but you are in imminent danger of breaking up, or even divorcing, you need immediate help with your problems. Click here for immediate, downloadable advice that isn't necessarily conventional, but it is highly effective at repairing damaged relationships.

Keep Him Happy At Home

Ever wonder how to keep your man happy at home and prevent him from straying? It's not that tough! Men need to feel admired by their woman to feel loved! Read on to find out how you can stop your man from being seduced by the charms of another woman:

If your man has strayed into the arms of another woman, you are no doubt devastated, but also wondering why. When a man enters into an affair, it is seldom, if ever, all about sex. If a man is happy at home, he is far less tempted by another woman who flirts with him a little. The key to keeping your man happy and content at home? Give him your admiration!

Men thrive on keeping their women happy. When a woman displays consistent unhappiness about her life in general, her man feels like a failure. Why? The traditional role of a man is to provide for his wife and children, and whether or not his wife's unhappiness has anything at all to do with his ability to provide for his family, he feels like a failure if his wife is not content. When a woman consistently displays a dissatisfied attitude, a man begins to wonder where he has gone wrong. He begins to give up on the relationship. Soon, if his woman's attitude doesn't improve, he will begin to seek out one who will provide the ego-stroking that he needs.

When a woman is so pre-occupied with her own needs that she forgets to show admiration for her man, she is setting herself up for heartbreak. A man wants to feel that he is admired by his woman for his looks, for his brains, for his ability to provide a happy home for her. When he feels this way, he wants to do even greater things for his woman. How do you make a man feel admired and happy at home? Well, you don't have to buy him a Porsche, or anything extreme like that.

How about greeting him with a hug and a kiss when he comes home, instead of snapping at him that he forgot to pick up the dry cleaning again? Or tell him that he smells great when he gets out of the shower? How about telling him that the steak he barbecued for you last night was the best one you've ever eaten? Little things mean so much, yet we don't take the time to show our admiration and appreciation for those whom we love. If you don't take the time to express your admiration for your man in these small was, you are setting him up to fall all over the office flirt who giggles and tells him what a great presentation he just made.

The physical side of love is a very important aspect of showing your admiration for your man as well. Not just by having sex with him, but by showing your interest in what he is saying by lightly placing your hand on his arm while he speaks. Taking his hand while you are walking in public shows the world how proud you are of him, and how much you treasure his company. Hold him close and tell him that you love him as you doze off to sleep every night.

Let your man know how much you love and admire him on a regular basis. Of course, life gets us all down at times, but displaying a sour attitude every time he is around makes him vulnerable to the charms of other women. If he has already cheated on you, your relationship can be saved. The old adage "once a cheater, always a cheater" just isn't true if you are both determined to get to the core of your problems.

Jen Thomas writes on relationships at her blog Stay Together Now. Even if you or your partner has cheated on the other, it's not too late to mend your broken relationship and be happy together again. For immediate help in salvaging your relationship, click here to instantly download the best, most practical advice you have ever read on saving your relationship.

The Bedrock of Any Relationship is Trust

 If there is no trust in your relationship, there is no relationship at all. Trust takes more than just words; trust takes action. Read on to learn the five most important ways that you can build trust in any relationship:


The bedrock of any relationship is trust. If there is no trust in your partner's words and actions, the relationship is in eminent danger of collapse. For the success of any long term relationship, whether it be dating or marriage, predictability is a keystone. In fact, predictability is one of the five most important ways that you can build trust in a relationship.Yes, this flies in the face of so many relationship experts with their advice to seek novelty in your relationship, constantly be looking for opportunities to spice things up, etc. For the success of any long term relationship, whether it be dating or marriage, predictability is a keystone.

Who wants to be involved with someone who's behavior is totally unpredictable? A constant hunt for variety and novelty in the relationship can quickly lead to mistrust, because soon the other partner begins to wonder if they are boring, thus fueling the constant search for variety. The common advice by relationship experts to always be looking for opportunities to spice things up can backfire in this case. This doesn't mean that taking your partner out to a new restaurant occasionally, or surprising them with a little gift is a bad thing. But reliability and consistency in your behavior is reassuring to your partner, and builds their trust in you.

If you are in the habit of keeping secrets from your partner, know that you are destroying your partner's trust. When you try and keep secrets from your partner, you are expending tremendous energy in covering up information that will more than likely come out sooner or later. This is energy that is being taken away from building your relationship. It's much better to come clean on your secrets and be honest in your relationship. You will feel much more at ease in the relationship by not having to constantly be guarding yourself, and your partner will be reassured that you are not hiding something from them.

Believe in your partner. If you convey that you don't think that they are a competent person, you will lose their trust. If they always feel second-guessed by you, and doubted, they will feel resentful and lose their trust in you. Not many of us would remain in a career situation where we are constantly second-guessed and made to feel incompetent, so why would anyone remain in a romantic relationship where these elements are present? Help them gain competency by offering constructive criticism on areas they need to improve on, but always praise any efforts at improvement.

Next, do your words match your body language? If your partner asks you if you are feeling okay, and you say yes in a surly tone of voice, with a scowl on your face, how believable are you? Body language and tone of voice are very important in building trust in a relationship. Your partner needs to be able to trust that what you say is true. Make an effort to make sure that your words match the message of your statements.You build trust in a relationship by making your partner feel that what you say is trustworthy.

Finally, to build trust in your relationship, let your partner know what your needs are. This doesn't give you a license to be a selfish person, but if you constantly suppress your own needs in the relationship, you will feel resentful towards your partner. The feeling of resentment will make you act out in ways that you don't intend. No one wants to have a partner who is a doormat. Assert your needs in the relationship in a loving, constructive manner. If you always acquiesce to your partner's needs, and anticipate their every little desire, they will begin to feel smothered in the relationship. Learn to sometimes say no. Your partner will respect you more for letting them know what you need instead of always giving in to them. Let your partner know what you need; don' t make them always guess.

Gaining trust in a relationship is hard won. To increase your partner's trust in you, act predictably and consistently, avoid keeping secrets, make your words match your body language, find ways to make your partner feel competent and communicate your needs to your partner in a loving manner. If you want to make your relationship work over the long haul, make a conscious effort to incorporate these factors into your daily life with your partner. If you have trust in each other, it will make other problems you encounter seem smaller.

Jen Thomas writes on relationships at Stay Together Now. Is your relationship rocky, and trusting in each other a major hurdle to staying together? For no-nonsense, common sense relationship advice, click here for information that could save your relationship. Nearly all relationships can be saved with the right advice; don't become a break up statistic!

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Communication Breakdown

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to a friend on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took them by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. A few cutting words from a loved one, hurt feelings, and a defensive retort that left both with regrets. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of soda, the lid off the juice, or newspapers not picked up. But to them, it represented something much deeper that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks until the frustration reached breaking point.

There was intense frustration at having to search for something when it is not where it was expected to be. Worse still when one person shifted it and the other didn't know the first place to begin searching.
Searching for that particular shirt or needles and thread, lost car keys, a document missing from a drawer, missing covers for the outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where the house had to be turned upside-down. A moment's thought or a supportive reply when these things were discussed would have saved a lot of time and frustration. And the answer that was received? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better!"

This off-hand comment characterized the undercurrent of misunderstanding and lack of compassion that had been running through the relationship for quite some time. One partner did the majority of the household chores and felt aggrieved that their efforts weren't recognized.

Praise or gratitude was not expected, but simple recognition was. Getting told that "I don’t expect you to tidy the house or cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by my friend as ingratitude, and hurt her even more.
So where to from here? My friend's partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas she felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about her trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my friend's efforts, and she in turn misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. My friend needed to be considered when things were not put back in their place. When two people live together it involves and adjustment in routines, habits, and attitudes. Some consideration of her feelings needed to be taken into account in order for the relationship to move forward.

There was a need to voice frustrations before they get to boiling point. What was needed was a commitment to talking about feelings more often, and in such a way that both partners could do so without judgment or consequence. Open communication was the key to their success, rather than suppressing feelings.
When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

They got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if you didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it serves as a good reminder to all. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A problem shared is a problem halved...
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Office Spouses: Don't Give Away The Intimacy That Belongs in Your Marriage

 The office spouse is a new phenomenon. An office spouse is a co-worker with whom you have a platonic relationship, but the relationship has many of the features of a real marriage, especially intimacy. Don't give away all your time and intimacy to an office spouse while neglecting your real-life spouse. Read on for the warning signs that you are doing just that:

With all the hours that we spend in the office every week, it's not surprising that the phenomenon of the "office spouse" has arisen. What is an office spouse? An office spouse is a co-worker of the opposite sex that one has an intensely close, yet platonic, relationship with. An office spouse is someone that you can rely on and have close camaraderie with; share inside jokes with; and someone who knows what you want to order in advance for lunch. There may be all the intimacy present in this relationship that should be present in a real marriage, and therein lies the trap-- are you giving the intimacy you should be devoting to your real-life spouse to your office spouse?

Marriage is not for the faint-hearted. Some may enter marriage with the thought that they will bail out at the first moment when the marriage hits a rough patch, but for most of us, marriage is for the long haul. Marriages have peaks and valleys when periods of intimacy are high between the partners, and also periods when intimacy can almost flat-line. It's easy for intimacy to dwindle with the demands of career, children, and aging parents taking precedence over the primary relationship with our spouse.

Marriages can deteriorate to the point where the partners are living in the same house as virtual strangers. Friends, TV, video games and endless trips to the mall replace the time we should be spending in conversation with our spouses. With the lack of intimacy in our marriages, it's no wonder that we seek a replacement in the form of the work spouse.

An office spouse is someone we feel safe with; we are comfortable enough with to point out that her lipstick is smeared or that his fly is open without a second thought. Whenever a new project is announced, we seek out our office spouse to get their feedback on which way to go with it. We conspire with them against the social climbers, and the slackers on the job. The danger in the relationship is not that we have a confidante at work, the danger is that when we begin thinking of this relationship more than we do the one with our real-life spouse.

Do you give your own husband or wife the time and effort that you put into your work spouse relationship? Do you seek out your real-life spouse for advice and support, or do you largely ignore them, merely grunting at each other when you pass in the hallway at home? Do you light up when your office spouse enters the room, but roll your eyes when the person you've been married to for the last fifteen years enters? If you find yourself in this situation, you are likely on the road to divorce court. Marriages need intimacy and firm commitment to each other, and if you let an office spouse capture the intimacy that should be directed towards your real life spouse, you are on very shaky ground.

Marriages can be saved despite a lack of emotional intimacy, and all efforts should go into saving them. Divorce wreaks a horrible toll on families, both emotionally and financially. Even if you have progressed to the point that divorce looks inevitable, you can rebuild your marriage and find the intimacy you have spent on an office spouse with your real-life spouse again.

Infidelity: Is It Always a Deal Breaker?

Can a relationship that has undergone the turmoil of infidelity ever be saved? Although many people say that a relationship where one partner has cheated can never be saved, the truth is that it IS possible to salvage nearly any relationship when the partners have the desire to mend it by changing their attitudes, behaviors and actions.


Is it ever possible to get back together with your ex after you've cheated? Many people say that cheating is the death knell in any relationship, and the relationship is too broken ever to repair. In reality, nearly every relationship is savable if both parties agree that they want to work to salvage the relationship.

But how do you even begin to salvage a relationship that has been broken by cheating? The answer is that you must restore trust in your relationship by adjusting the attitudes, behaviors and actions that led up to the affair. What made you stray in the first place? Did you feel that your sex life with your ex was lacklustre? Did you feel neglected as she focused all her attention on her career, or on your children? Did she let her personal grooming and appearance go to the point that she was just not attractive to you anymore?

You need to spend a lot of time in self-reflection to find the answers to these questions. Ultimately, there was something lacking in your relationship that led to your desire to cheat in the first place. If you had a perfect relationship, you wouldn't have strayed. But you did stray, and now if you want to repair your broken relationship, you must begin by restoring trust.

If you and your ex have agreed to try to salvage your broken relationship, restoring trust in each other is a gradual process that will not come easily. The best way to begin to restore trust in your relationship is by keeping small promises to your ex. Did you promise to call her on your lunch hour? Then follow through! Did you promise to take her to a movie after work on Friday? Then live up to your promise, even though it might be tempting to blow off the date to hang out with the guys and have a few cold ones. You need to do more than just talk about keeping your promises, you need to show her that you genuinely intend to work on repairing your relationship by taking action.

Your ex will need a lot of assurance that you have truly changed your ways. She will be paranoid that you will cheat again, and you will need to be patient with her. However, don't let her rub your nose in your indiscretion constantly. Use the affair as an opportunity for you to both grow and mature in your relationship, and rebuild a stronger relationship than before. You both need to act maturely, and make an honest and consistent effort in repairing your broken relationship to rebuild trust and love again.