Toxic Relationships: What They Are, and How to Deal With One

 You may have heard the term "toxic relationship" but not really understood what this means. In this article, I explain what a toxic relationship is, signs that you are in one, and what to do about it:


What is a toxic relationship? Just like the word "toxic" implies, it is an unhealthy relationship that is detrimental to your mental, spiritual and physical well-being. How can one tell if they are in a toxic relationship? Here are some very important clues that your relationship is toxic:

* Despite your partner's profession of their love for you, they verbally put you down in front of other people.

* Your partner attempts to control you-They call you constantly at work or at home to make sure you're "where you're supposed to be;" they intrude on your privacy by reading your mail or checking your phone messages; they constantly show up out-of-the-blue wherever you are to "check up" on you.

*You've changed your appearance or style of dressing solely to please them.

*They want to drive you everywhere you want to go, to make sure that "you get there OK."

*Your partner hits you, or sexually punishes you, telling you that "you made them do it."

*Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family.

The list of these toxic behaviors goes on and on. People who have never experienced being in a toxic relationship themselves cannot even imagine why anyone could allow themselves to stay in a relationship like this. But it is just not that simple.

Every toxic relationship goes through a cycle. The cycle follows the following pattern: There is an initial "honeymoon" phase where the new partner seems wonderful and anticipates your every need and want, followed by a cycle of escalating behavior where the new partner becomes increasingly critical of you and exhibits extreme paranoia surrounding your every move. This phase can, and often does, even culminate in physical abuse. After the toxic behavior reaches a peak, a reconciliation phase begins where the toxic partner acts contrite and apologizes for their behavior, promising it won't happen again. Unfortunately, it will happen again, as toxic relationships consistently display this pattern of honeymoon, escalation, abuse and reconciliation over and over again.

If you are in a toxic relationship, you may feel as if you have no one to turn to, and no way to get out. The first step in leaving a toxic relationship is to realize that you do have a choice whether or not to stay in the relationship. Often, the desire to leave is there, but low self-esteem is a side effect of this type of a relationship. You may be depressed, and feel that you are not worthy of love and respect. Never buy into a toxic partner's claim that all the problems in the relationship are your fault. You must stand up for yourself if you stay in the relationship, or learn to walk away from the relationship entirely. In fact, if there is physical abuse present in a relationship, you must leave it to get the help that you AND your partner need to be whole. 

Is there ever any chance that someone in a toxic relationship can change and form a healthy relationship? The answer is yes, although it may take a long period of separation and professional counseling. Sometimes these couples are able to heal the toxicity in their relationship and go on to happier lives with healthy relationship bonds. But, both parties must be totally sincere in their desire to heal the relationship, and ready to immediately walk away if their partner starts slipping back into their old habits.

If you think that you're in a toxic relationship, and are experiencing physical and/or mental abuse please seek immediate professional help from a counselor, physician, clergyperson or other trusted professional.

If your relationship hasn't deteriorated to this level, but you are in imminent danger of breaking up, or even divorcing, you need immediate help with your problems. Click here for immediate, downloadable advice that isn't necessarily conventional, but it is highly effective at repairing damaged relationships.