Communication Breakdown

It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

This happened to a friend on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took them by surprise. Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. A few cutting words from a loved one, hurt feelings, and a defensive retort that left both with regrets. It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of soda, the lid off the juice, or newspapers not picked up. But to them, it represented something much deeper that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks until the frustration reached breaking point.

There was intense frustration at having to search for something when it is not where it was expected to be. Worse still when one person shifted it and the other didn't know the first place to begin searching.
Searching for that particular shirt or needles and thread, lost car keys, a document missing from a drawer, missing covers for the outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where the house had to be turned upside-down. A moment's thought or a supportive reply when these things were discussed would have saved a lot of time and frustration. And the answer that was received? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better!"

This off-hand comment characterized the undercurrent of misunderstanding and lack of compassion that had been running through the relationship for quite some time. One partner did the majority of the household chores and felt aggrieved that their efforts weren't recognized.

Praise or gratitude was not expected, but simple recognition was. Getting told that "I don’t expect you to tidy the house or cook my dinner every night" was interpreted by my friend as ingratitude, and hurt her even more.
So where to from here? My friend's partner felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, whereas she felt guilty if it wasn’t perfect. It was never about her trying to make him feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my friend's efforts, and she in turn misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. My friend needed to be considered when things were not put back in their place. When two people live together it involves and adjustment in routines, habits, and attitudes. Some consideration of her feelings needed to be taken into account in order for the relationship to move forward.

There was a need to voice frustrations before they get to boiling point. What was needed was a commitment to talking about feelings more often, and in such a way that both partners could do so without judgment or consequence. Open communication was the key to their success, rather than suppressing feelings.
When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

They got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn’t hurt so much if you didn’t feel such love at the same time. But it serves as a good reminder to all. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A problem shared is a problem halved...
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Office Spouses: Don't Give Away The Intimacy That Belongs in Your Marriage

 The office spouse is a new phenomenon. An office spouse is a co-worker with whom you have a platonic relationship, but the relationship has many of the features of a real marriage, especially intimacy. Don't give away all your time and intimacy to an office spouse while neglecting your real-life spouse. Read on for the warning signs that you are doing just that:

With all the hours that we spend in the office every week, it's not surprising that the phenomenon of the "office spouse" has arisen. What is an office spouse? An office spouse is a co-worker of the opposite sex that one has an intensely close, yet platonic, relationship with. An office spouse is someone that you can rely on and have close camaraderie with; share inside jokes with; and someone who knows what you want to order in advance for lunch. There may be all the intimacy present in this relationship that should be present in a real marriage, and therein lies the trap-- are you giving the intimacy you should be devoting to your real-life spouse to your office spouse?

Marriage is not for the faint-hearted. Some may enter marriage with the thought that they will bail out at the first moment when the marriage hits a rough patch, but for most of us, marriage is for the long haul. Marriages have peaks and valleys when periods of intimacy are high between the partners, and also periods when intimacy can almost flat-line. It's easy for intimacy to dwindle with the demands of career, children, and aging parents taking precedence over the primary relationship with our spouse.

Marriages can deteriorate to the point where the partners are living in the same house as virtual strangers. Friends, TV, video games and endless trips to the mall replace the time we should be spending in conversation with our spouses. With the lack of intimacy in our marriages, it's no wonder that we seek a replacement in the form of the work spouse.

An office spouse is someone we feel safe with; we are comfortable enough with to point out that her lipstick is smeared or that his fly is open without a second thought. Whenever a new project is announced, we seek out our office spouse to get their feedback on which way to go with it. We conspire with them against the social climbers, and the slackers on the job. The danger in the relationship is not that we have a confidante at work, the danger is that when we begin thinking of this relationship more than we do the one with our real-life spouse.

Do you give your own husband or wife the time and effort that you put into your work spouse relationship? Do you seek out your real-life spouse for advice and support, or do you largely ignore them, merely grunting at each other when you pass in the hallway at home? Do you light up when your office spouse enters the room, but roll your eyes when the person you've been married to for the last fifteen years enters? If you find yourself in this situation, you are likely on the road to divorce court. Marriages need intimacy and firm commitment to each other, and if you let an office spouse capture the intimacy that should be directed towards your real life spouse, you are on very shaky ground.

Marriages can be saved despite a lack of emotional intimacy, and all efforts should go into saving them. Divorce wreaks a horrible toll on families, both emotionally and financially. Even if you have progressed to the point that divorce looks inevitable, you can rebuild your marriage and find the intimacy you have spent on an office spouse with your real-life spouse again.

Infidelity: Is It Always a Deal Breaker?

Can a relationship that has undergone the turmoil of infidelity ever be saved? Although many people say that a relationship where one partner has cheated can never be saved, the truth is that it IS possible to salvage nearly any relationship when the partners have the desire to mend it by changing their attitudes, behaviors and actions.


Is it ever possible to get back together with your ex after you've cheated? Many people say that cheating is the death knell in any relationship, and the relationship is too broken ever to repair. In reality, nearly every relationship is savable if both parties agree that they want to work to salvage the relationship.

But how do you even begin to salvage a relationship that has been broken by cheating? The answer is that you must restore trust in your relationship by adjusting the attitudes, behaviors and actions that led up to the affair. What made you stray in the first place? Did you feel that your sex life with your ex was lacklustre? Did you feel neglected as she focused all her attention on her career, or on your children? Did she let her personal grooming and appearance go to the point that she was just not attractive to you anymore?

You need to spend a lot of time in self-reflection to find the answers to these questions. Ultimately, there was something lacking in your relationship that led to your desire to cheat in the first place. If you had a perfect relationship, you wouldn't have strayed. But you did stray, and now if you want to repair your broken relationship, you must begin by restoring trust.

If you and your ex have agreed to try to salvage your broken relationship, restoring trust in each other is a gradual process that will not come easily. The best way to begin to restore trust in your relationship is by keeping small promises to your ex. Did you promise to call her on your lunch hour? Then follow through! Did you promise to take her to a movie after work on Friday? Then live up to your promise, even though it might be tempting to blow off the date to hang out with the guys and have a few cold ones. You need to do more than just talk about keeping your promises, you need to show her that you genuinely intend to work on repairing your relationship by taking action.

Your ex will need a lot of assurance that you have truly changed your ways. She will be paranoid that you will cheat again, and you will need to be patient with her. However, don't let her rub your nose in your indiscretion constantly. Use the affair as an opportunity for you to both grow and mature in your relationship, and rebuild a stronger relationship than before. You both need to act maturely, and make an honest and consistent effort in repairing your broken relationship to rebuild trust and love again.

A Rebound Relationship Doesn't Always Mean the End

 It may be hard to believe, but when your ex gets involved in a rebound relationship right after you break up with them, it can be a hopeful sign that all is not lost in your hope that you will get back together with your ex. Read on to learn more about the rebound phenomenon:


When anyone suddenly breaks off a relationship and quickly jumps into the next one, that is a sign that they want to be in a relationship, but do not want to see their part in the failure of the first relationship. Many people are afraid to be on their own for any length of time because they are afraid of the hard work and self-examination that comes with growing as a person. If they simply broke up with their partner and spent some time on their own, they would have to admit that they are not the "injured party"--they would soon see that they had just as many annoying traits and bad habits as their ex does!

If you are the unlucky person who is on the receiving end of watching their ex in a rebound relationship, don't despair. Take the time apart to really think about your own role in the the demise of your relationship. For instance, did you spend hours zoned out in front of your X-box instead of taking the time for conversation with your ex, or were you the kind of person who spent hours on your cell with your friends, but could never find the time to tell your ex how much they meant to you? Carefully examine yourself as to your own part in the failure of the relationship, and understand what you need to do to change and avoid this type of behavior in the future.

Watch your ex carefully at this time. He or she will probably go out with a person who is the opposite of your type, because that is exactly what he or she felt they were missing in your own relationship with them. If you are a quiet, gentle guy, she will probably be going out with a bad-boy type, because she felt that there was no excitement in your relationship. If you are a lady who dresses in an overly flashy manner, and loves to dominate every conversation, don't be surprised if he is now going out with a more conservative and quiet woman. Learn from the kind of person they are in the rebound relationship with, and adopt some of their traits as your own. Be yourself, but try to incorporate some balancing traits in your behavior. Spice it up, or tone it down to be more attractive to your ex.

Usually, it doesn't take long for your ex to see that their new partner has flaws of their own, and that the rebound relationship was a mistake. They were attracted to you for a reason, and dating someone of the opposite type can be exciting at first, but can get very grating quickly. Just don't make the mistake of pleading and begging your ex to take you back at this point, or make the case that you've really changed. Take it slowly, and apologize sincerely for any past wrongs you have committed, but do not grovel to them. Work on improving yourself during the separation, and your ex will come to realize that you've had everything they've wanted all along.

Want Him Back? Four Questions to Ask Yourself

 When have just gone through a break up, things seem hopeless to you. You can't understand what happened to cause you to break up with your boyfriend, and you are in despair. Read on to learn four essential questions you need to ask yourself to learn how to make your relationship work again:


What went wrong with your ex-boyfriend-- what caused one or both of you to leave? If you once created a great relationship, but now everything has somehow managed to go south, don't worry! Yes, it is entirely possible to win your ex-boyfriend back with the right steps and a basic understanding of how to grow your relationship again.

There are four essential questions you must ask yourself if you want to learn how go get your ex-boyfriend back:

- Is the reason you broke up even worth all the drama and attention you've been giving to it? - Is it even appropriate to argue about this reason at this point? - What would the outcome be if you won this argument, or is it more productive to forget the argument and move on? - Is this an issue worth arguing about in the first place?

If you can answer "no" to any of the above questions, you need to stop with the drama and let it go. Many relationships break up over arguments that are unproductive and unnecessary. If you both can forget trying to be the winner, trying to be right all the time in an argument you have taken the first step in rekindling your relationship. Too many times break ups occur because of frivolous arguments that really solve nothing in the long term.

The next step, and maybe the most important one, in learning how to get your ex- boyfriend back is that you need to stop constantly worrying about how you are being perceived. Instead of letting true intimacy into our relationships, we fall back on playing a role. Instead of being ourselves, we obsess about our looks, or about being too serious, or coming off as being stupid or overly intelligent. Be your authentic self, stop pretending to be someone you're not. For example, if you are a "girly girl" who loves dresses and heels, stop trying to impress him with your non-existent knowledge of carburetors. If you want a relationship that lasts, you've got to be who you are, not who you think he wants you to be.

If you are very emotional, and highly volatile at this time, you must emotionally and mentally distance yourself from your ex at this time. This may seem counter intuitive if you want to get back together with your ex-boyfriend, but when you mentally and emotionally remove yourself the tension, the stress involved with the relationship vanishes. When you are both calm and in a relaxed state of mind, you can begin to take the steps necessary to analyze what went wrong in the relationship without emotions boiling over. During this time of reflection, calming and mental distance from your ex, it's important to stay in contact and maintain positive communication, but remove volatile emotions from your conversations.

This time of distancing yourself from your ex-boyfriend creates clarity where you both can analyze the reasons for breaking up. When you have created some distance, you lose the stubbornness and over-emotional reactions that may have contributed to the break up in the first place. Now, you can sit down together and communicate a solution to your relationship problems to each other.

Patience and civility is what you must strive for. Many breakups can be undone if you and your ex- boyfriend can talk things through calmly and rationally, so this should be your primary goal if you want to rekindle the relationship with an ex-boyfriend that you care deeply for.

Jen Thomas writes on relationships at her blog Stay Together Now. Want to know more VITAL steps in winning your ex-boyfriend back? Then you owe it to yourself to check out the best dating advice site on the web! If you want to stay together, Jen has the answers for you--common sense stuff, no psychobabble here!

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Having A PhD. Doesn't Make You a Relationship Expert

There are all kinds of books and e-books about relationships out on the market written by Ph.Ds. Does this mean that their advice is superior to someone who has been out in the trenches, had their heart broken a few times, lived through a break up or two, but also managed to put a relationship back together? Academics have many theories about relationships, but theories sometimes just don't apply to real-life situations. Read on for my take on what to look for in a book about relationships that has advice you can really use, not just psychobabble:


If your boyfriend has just broken up with you, you may searching for anything you can read about relationships to give you some insights on why the relationship failed. With all the various books, e-books, books-on-tape and more available on the subject of relationships, how can you choose one that really gives you what you need to know?


Don't just buy a book on relationships based on the author's academic credentials! This is a mistake! You don't want to buy a book on relationships based on whether or not the author has a PhD behind his or her name.--the PhD. might be in earthworm biology, not in the psychology of relationships. Just because someone has spent the bulk of their first four decades in the hallowed halls of academia doesn't mean that they know squat about a relationship. They may be experts on paper, but wouldn't you rather get dating and relationship advice from someone who has lived through the ups and downs of break-ups and make-ups, instead of from someone who has only read about them?

To give an analogy, if you were about to head off to war, would you rather get advice from a tough Marine who has been a career soldier, or a history professor who has studied the Battle of Gettysburg ad nauseum? I thought so.

Look for books on relationships by authors who have experienced being in a bad relationship, and worked hard to make it become a successful one, or from someone who gives solid advice to others and have helped them mend relationships. They care about helping real people in real relationships just as much, and probably more than someone who charges over a hundred-dollars an hour for their "help."

Don't settle for a book or e-book that gives you the worn-out advice of "don't respond to your ex-boyfriend's calls for the next month, and in the meantime, get yourself a sexy new hairdo." These types of books are a dime-a-dozen; you want a relationship book that will give you new information about how to revive your relationship.

For example, will the book tell you what makes men cheat? Will it give you specific advice on what to do to recover from an affair, and how to mend your broken relationship, step-by-step? Will it give you advice on how to make your opening move in getting your ex-boyfriend return your calls? Or does it just rehash old information?

You also need to check out reviews or testimonials written by people who have actually bought the book or e-book. Just because the book works fantastically well for 4'11' blondes who drive Porsches and live in Switzerland doesn't mean it will work well for you. Look for an e-book on relationships with testimonials written by people from all walks of life, from different countries, and have been in different situations that led up to their relationship problems. When you see reviews like these, you'll know that you're on to a winner. Don't buy an e-book on relationships because the author's mom says that it's a great book. Look for specific ways that the reviewer says that the book has helped them. If the reviews are a little too generic, they may be lacking in sincerity.

If you're determined to repair your relationship with your ex-boyfriend, finding e-books that really work take time and effort to locate. But if you decide that getting back with your ex-boyfriend is what you really want to do, and would make your life feel complete again, taking the time to find such a resource is worth it, wouldn't you say?
 
 For my recommendation on an e-book on relationships with REAL ADVICE for REAL PEOPLE, not for lab rats,

Click Here!


Jen Thomas writes on relationships and how to prevent breakups. For her best tips on how you can avoid breaking up or even how to get back together after a breakup, visit her site Stay Together Now. If you want to stay together, Jen has the answers for you--common sense stuff, no psychobabble here!


Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jen_A._Thomas

Women: Can Men Ever Make Them Happy?

You have to pity men a little. To them, it seems like they can never figure out women, despite their best tries and intentions. This is because women just aren't as straight-forward and consistent as men are in their behavior--that's what makes us alluring, too! But here's a little straight-from-the-hip advice for men about women.


Men often wonder the age old question: Just how do you keep a woman happy? Here is some truly relevant advice on relationships for men that you can start using today.


Be yourself. Women aren't at all impressed with braggarts that drone on and on about how they made the winning catch in their high school football championship twenty years ago, and they don't want to hear about how many horsepower your sports car has either. They have absolutely no interest in hearing about the time you decked that other guy at the bar. Do you ever wonder why you often see a so-so looking guy with a beautiful woman? He has her because he has self-confidence and doesn't feel the need to endlessly brag about his past exploits. He takes the time to listen to her, and doesn't try to monopolize every conversation by bragging out his greatness. Listen, guys: when you have to brag a little too much, you're just not very believable and that's a big turn off.

Women appreciate when you do little things for them. Offer to take her car for an oil change or pick up her favorite candy bar when you're at the grocery store. You don't always need to go all out and break your bank account wining and dining.Over the course of a long relationship, the little things mean far more to women than "grand gestures" that are few and far between.

Do you want to really turn off your woman? Well, then make sure you take every opportunity to ogle every woman that you see. Women really don't like feeling like they need to compete with every other woman on the street just to capture your attention. When you do this, she is going to feel that you are comparing her to the other ladies, and she is coming out on the short end of the stick. Sure, men are going to look at other women--that's a natural fact. But at least be discrete when you are with your lady; don't swivel your head around like an owl.

Make her laugh. Nothing is sexier to a woman than a man who can make her laugh. Women will take a man who make her smile over the humorless-hunk type every time. Women are in relationships for the long haul. They can imagine themselves still laughing at your jokes in forty years, but when glamor-boy's looks start to fade (and they will), women can't see themselves saddled with someone who they don't find amusing.

Just because you've landed the girl, doesn't mean that you can let yourself go to seed. Women like men who bathe regularly, and maybe even put on a little cologne. Most women hate going in for a kiss only to have their face feel like it was scratched with sandpaper, so do shave. Oh, and just so you know, women like when you make an attempt to look stylish, too. If you have the same look you did in junior high, it's time for a change. She'll appreciate all your efforts in the grooming department.

Family and friends are very important to women. If you can't impress her friends and family, your relationship is headed for trouble. She needs to know that her friends and family approve of your relationship with her, so make an effort to get along with her parents, and act pleasant towards her friends, even if they are on the annoying side.

Be open to trying some new things to keep your relationship fresh. Don't automatically say "No!" every time she wants to try something like salsa dancing. When you are at the beginning of a relationship, everything is wonderful and new. If you keep the same old routine, the relationship can begin to get stale. Surprise her once in a while and treat her to a new, fun activity. Shake it up occasionally, and your relationship will reap the benefits of it.

Jen Thomas writes on relationships and how to prevent breakups. For her best tips on how you can avoid breaking up or even how to get back together after a breakup, visit her site here. If you want to stay together, Jen has the answers for you--common sense stuff, no psychobabble here!



Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Jen_A._Thomas